Experiencing God...

It all started when I saw someone post that they were "giving up Facebook for Lent". My first thought, "What?!?!" was quickly followed by the reasoning "Well, sure...that's easy for them, they're rarely on here." Without even trying to, my mind had already concocted a bazillion reasons why giving up Facebook was NOT a good idea for me. "I wasn't even planning on participating in Lent. So, why should I?" And..."What about my high school girls?", "And the new student ministries group I started?", "How can I do my job and be effective in youth ministry, if I'm not plugged in?" and "What about my extended family?...this is how I keep in touch with them." Then there was the basic..."I hate missing out on stuff! How will I know what's going on with people?" Then...the always destructive "What will people think?" train of thought started. "If I don't say something and just don't sign on, will people think I'm mad at them?" (Sadly, I've been down that road before...) Or..."If I do say something, will people judge me? And think I'm being 'holier than thou'?" It was a ridiculously long spiral downward that led me to the conclusion that clearly, such a sacrifice was not realistic for ME.

Still...I felt called to give up something. "Maybe, I could give up sugar?" No...my motivation for that would be selfish...'cause I need to lose weight anyway. Hmmm..."TV?" "No...I go weeks without watching TV all the time..." I decided there wasn't anything else that would really be a sacrifice to give up...so I spent some time writing in my prayer journal and pretty much told God that if He wanted me to give it up, He'd have to change my heart...

Last week, we started "Experiencing God" by Henry & Richard Blackaby with the high school girls. I've wanted to do this study so badly...and yet all during Week One, I struggled with motivation to do it. In usual "Missy fashion", I ended up doing 4 of the 5 days in 1 day. Yesterday.

Amazing how God works. How every lesson I did yesterday, walked me step by step through the process of changing my heart towards Him. Realizing (once again) that I must die to self in order to return to a God-centered life. That my question should not be "What is God's will for my life", but rather "What is God's will?" and then aligning my life to it. The big message of the day for me was "You cannot stay the way you are and go with God." Hmmm..."I cannot stay this way." Honestly, I already knew that. I was not happy with myself...tired of making the same mistakes over and over again...tripping up at the same places in my life, my marriage, my walk with Him. My ineffectiveness was glaringly obvious. But...I was trying so hard. Doing all the right stuff. "What was my problem??"

[Queue: Light Bulb Moment]

"...APART FROM ME, YOU CAN DO NOTHING." (John 15:5)

Those words were written down in the right hand corner of my study book, but they may as well have taken up the whole page. Tears in my eyes, lump in my throat, I realized...I had been doing it wrong all along.

I don't do God's work. He works through me.

Right now, He doesn't want me to do. He just wants me to be with Him. I cannot carry out the will of God, I can only be where He wants me to be. And while a time for doing will come, I cannot skip the relationship with God part. If I do, I will accomplish nothing.

Back to my prayer journal I went. Feverishly writing, I repented of my pride, my self-centeredness and my disobedience. For doing my will and claiming it was for His glory. At this point, I wasn't even certain that the whole Lent thing was God's idea, and not my own...but, I so wanted it to be His idea. Yes, you read that right. I wanted Him to ask me to give it up. I reread what I had written and was speechless. I sat there for a minute...pen in hand, staring at this crazy chicken scratch and didn't know what to say next. So, I closed my journal and committed to praying about it throughout the rest of the day. It needed to be His idea, not mine. Not so that I had an excuse to get out of it, but because I needed to know that I was in His will, not coming up with some grandiose plan to do His will.

So, I prayed about it. Anytime Facebook popped into my head or I was tempted to open the app on my phone, I prayed instead. Let's just say, I prayed about it a LOT. haha It wasn't until the end of the day, sifting through the thoughts and emotions banging around in my head, that it was made clear. This journey was not of my own creating, it was Him working around me and in me. The bible says, we cannot come to Him without the Holy Spirit's prompting. I was prompted and told Him, He'd have to change my heart...and He did.

So, Day 1 of 46, has been great. I had no difficulty finding time to do my study or to pray. No big surprise there. Every time FB pops into my head, I redirect those thoughts into prayers. Mostly thanking God for his correction and what He's going to do in my relationship with Him through this journey. I've done more praying in the last two days than I have in the last month. What a clever God we serve... ;)